Whangārei artist Julia Tapp’s mission to give grieving families beautiful memories of their lost little loved one

Ezra, or “Ezee Bear” as his family called him, was born with severe autism and although he never spoke, he was perfect for Tapp and her husband Jason.

One day in 2014, the free-spirited three-year-old, who has always been attracted to water, escaped the gate and traveled 200 meters before being found by his father Jason 27 minutes later in the Ōhinemuri River.

Paramedics worked on him for half an hour, but as Julia and Jason held their son’s body on the riverbank and sang his favorite song, Twinkle twinkle little starthe news was delivered that their boy would not be coming home.

“There are no words to describe those moments or how quickly it happened,” said Tapp, 41. “Everyone did their best to save him, but he was already gone.”

Over the years, Tapp has found ways to capture Ezra’s memory in art; since he didn’t say anything, he stood on his mother’s feet to get her attention. Julia has Ezra’s baby footprints tattooed on her feet with a mixture of ink and his ashes.

Today, the casts of his hands and feet are kept in a cupboard with his favorite toys, next to a portrait that Julia, a multiple award-winning artist, painted of him.

Her popular Angel portraits, which she subsequently created for other grieving parents, came to an end after the waiting list was washed away when her central art center in Whangārei was flooded; but these days she gets more satisfaction from performing angel castings.

She has left her details with medical services, hospitals and funeral homes where Julia will travel, plus homes, to carry out the procedure.

The process is similar to having teeth shaped at the dentist, says Julia. It is performed using an alginate product, a powder mixed with water until a liquid silicone-like texture is created.

The little hands or feet are placed in the liquid for a few minutes, then carefully removed and the mold is filled with liquid stone until it hardens. She then paints them and later presents them in a box.

“It captures a lot of details, such as fingerprints and small nails. The average size would be about 3cm, it’s quite stunning. It’s just the right size and shape and it’s just beautiful.”

Tapp also makes a spare set of each pair of hands and feet, as a backup in case something goes wrong or the parental relationship doesn’t last, “so there’s one for mom and one for dad.”

‘Every little hand counts’

In addition to the castings, Julia now cleans and dresses the babies, and trains new midwives to do the same.

She explains: “To get to the hands and feet, I had to ask mom or dad to make them accessible because they are usually dressed in a romper. You get very used to being around these sweet little babies, so basically, if I’m going to dress them in a romper again, I might as well put them in some little clothes.

She says that knitwear donated to hospitals usually lasts 20 weeks or more, so she buys clothes from an “angel network” that sends her supplies of sleeping bags (such as a hooded mitten, which forms a pod and ties around the chin) and small diapers across the country. However, she would appreciate donations of small knitted hats, booties and blankets.

“I really enjoy being able to provide those things for the extra little ones, because every baby is a human being and they all deserve a little outfit. Every little hand counts.”

Presenting the box of castings can be done in two ways, says Tapp. “I always think the box is closed and you can see they are already fighting back tears. When I present it, they say thank you, smile and hug, or we go in and they open it. They love them. There are usually tears and I cried too when ours arrived.

“There’s a period of time between the time I do the casting and they dry, where they forget the details. They say, ‘Gosh, were their hands really that small?’ and, ‘Oh, I didn’t see that.’ So they are allowed to look and not through the eyes of trauma. It creates a 3D photo, it’s just amazing.”

Since Ezra’s death, Tapp has attended four castings of drowning victims and she says in some ways it has helped her realize it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

“I think I’ve realized there’s a difference between being guilty and blaming yourself, and taking responsibility for making a mistake.

“Every parent is going to feel guilty and blame themselves, and I think the word guilt in particular implies that something was intentional and that you have something to feel bad about knowing that this was an accident, and I tell this to all parents.

“However, we still have to take responsibility because there is no denying that at that moment, when Ezra went missing,

“I had to look at him and I went to the bathroom and I thought my husband was looking at him and it was a split second, so yeah, we should have been responsible. It was a mistake and he suffered the worst consequences, but there was no intention behind it, so if there was no intention, should we blame ourselves for something we didn’t intend to do?

“You can be responsible and something you drop the ball on can lead to absolutely disastrous consequences, and we call that an accident. That’s my definition of the two and I’ve thought about it a lot, it took me a long time to figure it out. So, after spending a lot of time talking this through with the parents, how can I turn around and say they’re not to blame, but I am? So that really helped me.”

The lifecasting process takes anywhere from 30 minutes to several hours, depending on size. She also occasionally performs castings for family groups, where they hold the cast of the deceased member before dipping their hands in a bucket.

The number of castings Tapp carries out increased from 30 in the first year to 50 in the second and 60 in the third year. However, this past year she only did 22.

“I hope it drops because the number of miscarriages has dropped and not because we are not reaching people.”

Her charity work totals around 20 hours a week, but because she has a limited income due to health problems, it fits in well with the busy mothers’ art classes she runs from the Northland Art Centre.

“Being able to clean up and dress the babies and give the parents back a memory that’s a little less explicit and a little more fun is, I think, where my reward lies these days.”

Anyone who would like to help with knitting donations can contact Julia at: [email protected]. Angel knitting patterns can be found online at Tigerlily Trust. Click on ‘How you can help’.